Jim Gaffigan's advice to parents of young kids: It only gets worse

▶ Watch Video: Jim Gaffigan: The horrors of older kids

As many of you know I have five children. (It would be sad if I looked like this and I didn’t have five children, right?)

Over the years I’ve done tons of stand-up comedy complaining about my young children.

“My three-year-old is now four. I also have a nine-year-old, and an eight-year-old and a two-year-old and a one-year-old. I have five kids. I used to have more but I ate them.”

I even wrote a book whining about how my young children made my life hell.

And yes, I’ve come on this very show many times and grumbled about how hard my life with my young children was.

Well, I’d like to apologize. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

Having five young children was a beautiful thing. I know that now, because I presently have five NOT young children, and my life is absolutely horrible.

I remember thinking, “If we could just get these kids out of diapers, our lives will be so easy.”

Heh heh heh. I was naïve, arrogant, and yet, off-beat good-looking.

Comedian Jim Gaffigan’s kids may not be getting more numerous, but they are getting older.

Jim Gaffigan

I didn’t know back then when a stranger would see me with my young kids and volunteer, “You’re gonna miss this!” I thought they were weirdos with no boundaries. I didn’t realize that stranger was bestowing a warning upon me – that every adorable toddler eventually transforms into a tormenting teen executing the karmic revenge of our own parents.

I’m glad I didn’t know every school morning with not-young children would feel like a theatrical re-creation of the Fall of Saigon.

The pilot for a new reality TV show, “Kitchens With Teens.”

Jim Gaffigan

It’s for the best that I didn’t realize that the smell of a full diaper was sweet compared to the odor of a teenage boy’s anything.

I guess my message to the parents of young children is this: It doesn’t get better. It gets worse.

Anyway, have a nice Sunday!

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