▶ Watch Video: Jim Gaffigan on politicians with their hands out

I guess it would eventually happen. I have a stalker.  It’s not surprising given how attractive I am, but, yes, Jim Gaffigan has a stalker.

Well, stalkers!  Yeah!

These sickos are probably watching right now and, frankly, it makes me nauseous. They are obsessed with me. They have a problem.

I’ve been advised by my lawyer to not identify them by name, but I’ll give you a hint: They are the Democratic and Republican Parties.

Sure, it’s nice to be wanted by the two national parties that have consistently colluded to block the participation of any third party, but the problem is they won’t leave me alone.

Somehow, they know where I live and have my email. I get daily emails with suggestive subject lines like, “Will you fight for America, Jim?” or “Jim, don’t let them take your freedom.” Occasionally they will leave glossy fliers in my mailbox bad-mouthing other stalkers. 

Political parties think comedian Jim Gaffigan is a soft touch.

CBS News

The snail mail I can throw out, the email I can delete, but the real harassment is the almost daily text messages from bots pretending to be Republican or Democratic candidates. These highly personal computer-generated guilt trips are annoying, and frankly inappropriate. I’m married!

In these text messages they always ask me for a small donation.  “Just 25 dollars.” “Can I count on you to give 20 dollars?”  What, am I buying them lunch? How do they know I’m so cheap?  

It’s constant! The incessant begging for money makes me concerned those D.C. lobbyists are not paying our politicians enough.

Yes, there are problems with our democracy, but for God’s sake … vote!

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Story produced by Aria Shavelson. Editor: Chad Cardin.

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